by Amir Hafizi

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If you’re constantly complaining that you’re poor, you should stop reading this article and go get a job or something.

I know a lot of con-men, and they have revealed to me just how easy it is to make money, even for honest, hardworking kampung folk like me. Especially for kampung folk.

Here are some things you can do to be a millionaire. If you have land to plant things on - you can disprove the saying that money doesn’t grow on trees:

1. If you smell what I’m planting: Agarwood
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No, this is not a tree you can get agar-agar (jelly) from. Jelly is made from jellyfish, of course. Oh, wait, it’s made from seaweed.

Anyway, Agarwood is the international name for a resinous heartwood (sap-filled core) of trees such as our ‘gaharu’. It is used in the perfume and incense industry, with few or no substitutes - making it extremely expensive.

The Malaysian tree that has agarwood is the gaharu or Aquilaria crassna. It is a jungle plant, so it does require some form of jungle care - meaning plant it in the jungle area.

Here is why this will make you a millionaire: one good core of agarwood costs RM6,000-RM10,000 or thereabouts. You can plant roughly 1,000 trees in a hectare of land. That means RM6 million per hectare of land, after only six years.

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The agarwood showed no reaction when tickled

2. Coconuts - The Ultimate Utility Plant
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Coconut trees love to take group photos.

The humble coconut is not as exotic as the gaharu, but you can plant around 8,000-10,000 coconut trees in one hectare. Just tell the trees, “imagine you’re in a Shinkansen (bullet train), in Japan.”

Each tree can bear around 20-40 coconuts at any one time. Each coconut sells for RM1 nowadays. That’s roughly RM400,000 per hectare! Plant three hectares of coconuts and that’s it! You’re a millionaire!

That’s not counting selling parts of the tree for other things such as building material, crafts, even spacesuits!

Even if you decide to plant the trees further away from each other, you can still get RM200,000 per hectare and with six hectares, you can now have a seven figure annual income.

3. Exotic Papaya Farm
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'Betik Eksotika' would make a very good band name.
- No, I’m not talking about brothels, though those do make lots of money too!

The papaya is one of the most low-maintenance plants ever! Simply take a papaya trunk and  stick it in the ground, near a drain - or anywhere it can get lots of water. Then, you just watch it grow.

Papaya is sold at around a few ringgit per kg, which is negligible. What you need to do, if you want to be a millionaire, is start a huge papaya farm using the genetically-engineered ‘betik eksotika’ breed.

Then, you need to do some marketing by selling it to hotels. You need to supply it to them and make sure you get a yearly contract for this. Prices can go up five-fold or tenfold, if you are supplying high-quality papayas.

4. The Mob Solution
If all else fails, simply use your land as a dumping ground for dead bodies of murder victims. The local gangs and the mafioso would pay top dollar for a place where they can make some people ‘disappear’.

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"You wanna kill and bury me here? Do you know how much that will cost you!?"

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